Sitting Here at 3AM

Its 3am on a Sunday and I am sitting here writing letters to you that you will never read. I think about the irony of all of this.  I broke up with you about 3 weeks ago and I am the one alone.  I know you are out, or in for that matter, with the new guy.  I know better than to feel jealousy over this.  You were never mine to begin with, regardless of anything you might have said to the contrary.  I know you can never be alone, yet you always are, inside of your heart.  I only feel sadness now when I reduce my memories of you down to a digital representation of the dreams you tried to make me believe in and the lies you used to cover up the truth.  I know when I am done with this project I will be completely done with you.  I won’t think about you at all when this happens.

Yes, I have other women in my life.  They are good and kind women.  Its just that something is missing with them that I seemed to have with you.  Maybe because you were the first after my wife left.  Maybe it was because I was able to give you the reigns to my life and happiness for awhile, and you were my crutch while I was falling apart.  Maybe it was because you could kill me slowly.  Maybe it was the supernatural way you were able to reach deep inside of me and see all of my most hidden needs and desires.  The weekends are the worst for me right now.  It was the weekends we spent the most time together.  It is also the weekends where I know you are with the other men, not thinking about me, giving them what you promised I would only have.

I know I was harsh to you in those letters I sent.  Maybe if you had the integrity to respond they would have been softer, maybe not though.  It’s not like you didn’t deserve the tongue lashing for what you did to me, and to the others, I make no apologies for anything I might have said to you.  I just wanted an explanation, an apology.  Couldn’t you give me at least that?  I was willing to give you my life!  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Its not that I didn’t loved you.  I did until I received that letter warning me about you.  I was in shock for days after I read that.  We have been planning to buy a house together.  We were starting to build real dreams together.  I didn’t know whether to trust it, or you.  I knew deep down what the truth was though, I was afraid of it, afraid of what it meant to me, afraid of what the truth could do to me.  That letter confirmed for me all of the things I tried to ignore.  It told me that I needed to trust my gut feelings about you.  I needed to run from you forever and never look back.  Even though I told you to go away from me and never contact me, I still long for a reply to a letter, a reaction from you, anything.  It is now I wish I did not know the truth.  It is on nights like tonight I wish I could still hold you, secure in my ignorance.  Like the frog on a stove in a pot of boiling water, I wanted some more time with you before I lost myself completely to you, before you destroyed me forever.

With you, a passion awoke in me that I thought was lost for good.  A hunger only you could feed.  I felt like a wild animal only you could control.  Except you fed me poison every day and you beat me with whips until I could only cower in your presence.

Nothing I do is out of revenge, it is for closure.  It is in order for me to cleanse my soul of the filth you left behind.  Like a dog that eats his own vomit, I still long for your body at times.  I now want to punish you with my passions.  I want to hurt you with the only thing that gives you any connection to another being.  I know your heart is cold and dead.  Even the intense heat of my love would never be enough to warm you on the inside.  Nobody’s love can.  Light cannot penetrate your darkness.  Your soul is black.

Some nights I think maybe I could have been that man that could warm you, that could make you good, finally bring peace to your life, but such thoughts are foolish you always know that, and so did I  You knew from the beginning it was only a matter of time before I realized you would be the death of me.

But I am still alive, and the poison you gave me is slowly leaving my body.  Soon I will be strong again.  You gave me a strong dose, and now my body will build up a resistance to your poison. You will never be able to hurt me again.

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