Letter to Christine

Sitting Here at 3AM

Its 3am on a Sunday and I am sitting here writing letters to you that you will never read. I think about the irony of all of this.  I broke up with you about 3 weeks ago and I am the one alone.  I know you are out, or in for that matter, with the new guy.  I know better than to feel jealousy over this.  You were never mine to begin with, regardless of anything you might have said to the contrary.  I know you can never be alone, yet you always are, inside of your heart.  I only feel sadness now when I reduce my memories of you down to a digital representation of the dreams you tried to make me believe in and the lies you used to cover up the truth.  I know when I am done with this project I will be completely done with you.  I won’t think about you at all when this happens.

Yes, I have other women in my life.  They are good and kind women.  Its just that something is missing with them that I seemed to have with you.  Maybe because you were the first after my wife left.  Maybe it was because I was able to give you the reigns to my life and happiness for awhile, and you were my crutch while I was falling apart.  Maybe it was because you could kill me slowly.  Maybe it was the supernatural way you were able to reach deep inside of me and see all of my most hidden needs and desires.  The weekends are the worst for me right now.  It was the weekends we spent the most time together.  It is also the weekends where I know you are with the other men, not thinking about me, giving them what you promised I would only have.

I know I was harsh to you in those letters I sent.  Maybe if you had the integrity to respond they would have been softer, maybe not though.  It’s not like you didn’t deserve the tongue lashing for what you did to me, and to the others, I make no apologies for anything I might have said to you.  I just wanted an explanation, an apology.  Couldn’t you give me at least that?  I was willing to give you my life!  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Its not that I didn’t loved you.  I did until I received that letter warning me about you.  I was in shock for days after I read that.  We have been planning to buy a house together.  We were starting to build real dreams together.  I didn’t know whether to trust it, or you.  I knew deep down what the truth was though, I was afraid of it, afraid of what it meant to me, afraid of what the truth could do to me.  That letter confirmed for me all of the things I tried to ignore.  It told me that I needed to trust my gut feelings about you.  I needed to run from you forever and never look back.  Even though I told you to go away from me and never contact me, I still long for a reply to a letter, a reaction from you, anything.  It is now I wish I did not know the truth.  It is on nights like tonight I wish I could still hold you, secure in my ignorance.  Like the frog on a stove in a pot of boiling water, I wanted some more time with you before I lost myself completely to you, before you destroyed me forever.

With you, a passion awoke in me that I thought was lost for good.  A hunger only you could feed.  I felt like a wild animal only you could control.  Except you fed me poison every day and you beat me with whips until I could only cower in your presence.

Nothing I do is out of revenge, it is for closure.  It is in order for me to cleanse my soul of the filth you left behind.  Like a dog that eats his own vomit, I still long for your body at times.  I now want to punish you with my passions.  I want to hurt you with the only thing that gives you any connection to another being.  I know your heart is cold and dead.  Even the intense heat of my love would never be enough to warm you on the inside.  Nobody’s love can.  Light cannot penetrate your darkness.  Your soul is black.

Some nights I think maybe I could have been that man that could warm you, that could make you good, finally bring peace to your life, but such thoughts are foolish you always know that, and so did I  You knew from the beginning it was only a matter of time before I realized you would be the death of me.

But I am still alive, and the poison you gave me is slowly leaving my body.  Soon I will be strong again.  You gave me a strong dose, and now my body will build up a resistance to your poison. You will never be able to hurt me again.

Letter to Christine

Our first Three Dates

I told you too much about me way too soon.  Shit, I think I practically told you my life story the first night we met.  Most women would run away then, because I had a truck load of baggage to deal with at that time, but not you.  You gave me your number and I gave you my business card.  I remember you sent me an email the very next day.  Of course you CC’d the the fat guy who was talking with us at that event.  I always wondered, if he called you or emailed you back.

On or first date about a week later you had me come over for dinner.  It now seemed a little strange that you had a complete stranger come to your house on the first date.  I would think most woman would like to meet in public for the first date at least.

I broke all of the rules.  I talked about my wife, my business problems and I am sure everything else that should turn off a woman.  Not you, you just smiled and asked questions.  I even remember trying to get a peek up your skirt when we were sitting on the couch, and being sorely disappointed to learn they were skirt/shorts.  I guess that’s what happens to a man when it’s been months since he even touched or smelled a woman.  We had chicken, because I grilled it for us.  I remember you asking me if I knew how to grill.

I remember telling you how when my wife left me a mere four months before how devastating it was to me.  I told you that the pain inside of me was still pretty unbearable at times.  I admitted to you how all I needed was someone to love, to express my emotions with, a friend and a lover.

I think we talked for a while and then I left.  I was nervous, seeing as I had not been on a date with another woman in over 12 years.  I wondered if you would call me again.

On our second date, we went to my friend’s house on the lake.  You were the hottest woman there in your little white bikini.  Your big beautiful tits just spilled out of your top.  Your ass was amazing.  All the men ogled you.  It didn’t bother me though.  When we took the boat out and we all jumped in the warm water, I thought for sure you and I were going to have sex in the water in front of hundreds of other boaters.  Remember that couple on one of the boats where the woman was giving that guy head?  I was so hot for you then.  I loved how you straddled me in the water, how I played with your pussy thru your bikini bottoms.  I remember how you made sure you ground my hardness into you.

The day turned into night and we barbequed that night at my friend’s house.  I still don’t know what I did or said, but you told me not to make you look like a whore in front of my friends.  You smoked a lot of pot that night and drank to excess it seemed.  I did not drink much that night.  I had to drive.

We drove home and you dropped me off at my house.  I invited you in.  I think you stayed for only a bit though.  We did not have sex that night either.  You drove off alone.

Our 3rd Date

I don’t even know if this would qualify as a date, but you invited me over for dinner and to give you a massage.  I’m rusty, but I’m not that dumb.  I figured where this might just lead up too.  I gathered up the Trojans and I was off to your house.

You answered the door in a little red with white polka dot sundress.  My god, I loved how your hips filled that dress.  I don’t remember eating or anything else about that night but I remember the massage.

When it was time for that, oh, I was ready, and probably way too excited.  I am sure you could just smell my desire for you.  I can still see you when you slowly peeled that dress off and how it fell to the floor.  You had nothing on but a black thong.  At the beginning I had all of my clothes on, but I think it was you who told me to “get more comfortable.”  I did by stripping down to my drawers.  You had the oil on her headboard, so I started.  I am not the best at massage, but I did learn a thing or two in the past about erotic massage.  I remember how the massage started innocently enough, but in short order I was rubbing your tits and then your pussy through your panties.  I would rub you sensually taking special care to pay a lot of attention to all of your erogenous zones.  My fingers would “slip” inside your panties quite often and I could feel how aroused you were by the extreme heat and how you were practically dripping wet.  I started to then use my tongue on you and I started kissing you all over your body.  You tried to play coy, but I knew that no woman before was able to stop herself when I did this.  I teased you mercilessly.  When I thought you were good and ready, I went to close the deal.   You stopped me.  You told me “I am not that kind of girl.”  Really, you’re not?  I was just barely able to muster up enough self respect to stop and get up, before I resorted to begging.  I’m sure I begged a little though.  We took some time to cool down.   I don’t remember what happened, but I know I left.  I probably rubbed one out when I got home.  I know I slept alone that night.

To the Readers: As I write this I feel that knowing what I know now, which I have only alluded to you thus far, I wonder if she called in another man to “finish” her off, and who that man was.  I can tell you the arousal for me was practically unbearable.  Her arousal was also extremely high.  I was so desperate for any woman’s touch I would likely had done anything to have sex with her during any of these dates.  I was like a fly in a trap and she knew it.  Thinking back on the massage night, or any of the date nights for that matter, there was no good reason for us not to have sex.  Come to think of it, at my age and especially at her age, she is quite a bit older than me; there is no reason to wait past the first or second date before having sex.  I’m a highly attractive and desirable man to any woman I would meet.  She should have been grateful I wanted her at all.  I have met many women like her and experienced how they flaunt their raw sensuality.  It is these same women that use their sexuality and as a tool and a weapon to manipulate men. It is disturbing that at 45 years old, Christine still behaved in this same manner, behaving without discretion.

When a woman is younger it is ok for her to make the man wait for sex for a limited amount of time in order to secure commitment from the man.  It is respectable if she would behave in this manner consistently throughout her life.  This is sexual discretion.  These women are fairly respectable and I am not talking about them.  They usually also have had very low numbers of past sexual partners.  I have a problem when promiscuous women use this waiting period as a way to manipulate a man into thinking she is far more innocent than what she actually is, or to fool the man that she has had only a “few” past sexual partners.  If a woman has given it up before on a first or second date in the past, especially an older and more promiscuous woman, this woman needs to realize that most men of high value feel will feel duped and will lose respect for the woman once he realizes the truth about her and her past actions. Women always show the truth about themselves if you just watch listen, but they normally seem to lie about the number of men they have had sex with in their past.  An older woman is just that, old, and if she did not hit the wall already, she will soon.  Reality tells me that she needs to be far less picky, especially with the good high value men, which brings up the question of my actual value dating this much older woman.  She had no reason to play that game with me, and that’s what it was, a game and a manipulation tactic to make me thing she had morals and has exercised discretion in her past.  I will elaborate more about this in the future.  I will write about more about what we did together during the first months of our relationship later, but for now I will say that I would have respected her more if I had sex with her on the second or third date.  That would have shown me then that at least she was honest about her desires and her attraction to me was genuine.  I can always respect an honest woman, but they seem to not be very common nowadays.  She told me a few months later when we were talking about some random things that she decided on the first night.  She decided within the first 10 minutes of meeting me that she knew she would have sex with me.  Maybe she should have just fucked me then?

This whole subject bothered me because that means I was not Alpha enough, or high value enough,  to either demand sex or walk away immediately or set the frame where she would have actually done the demanding of me on the first or second date.  In my defense, I was still very much in my married Beta mindset and my self esteem was also at rock bottom at this time, due to my wife just leaving me. Therefore I refuse to be too hard on myself, but it’s something I thought about.  We did end up having sex later (see the next letter).  Don’t get me wrong, I was really happy that it happened and the circumstances worked out very well. Remember, I am not bitching about having to wait a few dates for sex in general, just being made to wait by a woman with an agenda and who was obviously pretty slutty to begin with.  Nevertheless Christine is a fairly sexy woman for her age, her pussy was pretty good, and she had some mad skills in bed.

These particular incidents now just show me that even in the very beginning she had an agenda and was planning and scheming for an end goal only she knew about.  The passion was more than hot for us to have had sex much sooner.  She used sex as a weapon and a tool on these first dates.  You will see in future letters that she never let the relationship take its own natural course.  She was always trying to rush things and guide events to suit her and her timetable.  She refused to let love grow on its own and in its own time.  Hopefully you will see why.