Letters to Tara, My Letters

My Last Letter to My Wife

This letter was written almost 18 months after my wife left me one morning with my two daughters and without saying a word.  This letter is a not so brief summary of some of the more important subjects she was never able to talk about with me.  Every time I tried to talk to her about these things she would shut down and lock herself in the bedroom or bathroom.

I could not write this letter sooner.  I did not have the correct perspective to do so.  I gave her this letter last night when she dropped of the girls.  As I handed her this letter I told her, “I have always loved you more than anything. You never gave me the closure I needed when you left and this letter is my closure.”  She looked at me like she was a little surprised and then dismissive of me.  I don’t expect a response from her.  I think that in her mind she will be thinking in a patronizing and condescending way “oh well, this is just him blowing off some steam.  I was an excellent wife to him and it was all his fault and I had to leave.  He is just trying to get me to come back to him.”

I had to write her this letter so I can heal.  She has to read this letter so I could move on.

The Letter


This letter is my closure.  This is a synopsis of some of the things I felt and thought about concerning our marriage and after you left.  I wanted to wait until I was able to look at things as objectively as I could.  I wanted to wait until I knew that we would never fix US.  These are the things we should have discussed in length over the years.  These are the subjects that always frightened you to talk about.  Now that I am under no illusion as to the final outcome of our marriage and our impending divorce I have nothing else to lose.  I want you to know I was the best you will ever have.  You threw the most valuable person you knew away like yesterdays trash.  Now that I am finally starting my healing from the destruction our marriage and now that my life is finally starting to change for the better I can write and send you this.  It was a very hard road and I still have much work to do.  I will never forgive you for what you had done to me and the girls.  Your actions also affected my extended family.  However, I should actually thank you for leaving, because I have finally realize the truth about you, and about many other things and people in my life. I have come to better understand yours and my family’s lack of moral courage to at least attempt to mitigate or mediate our separation.  I will never condone it and I will never forgive it, but it is this understanding that truly sets me free.  There is so much freedom in the truth.  You will not like some of the things mentioned here.  I don’t care about that anymore.  I cannot bite my tongue and pretend I didn’t feel what I felt or think what I thought.  I cannot go back to the ignorance I once had.  I refuse to pretend that you were better than what you are.  I can no longer fool myself into thinking you were a good wife that satisfied me to the fullest.  I cannot pretend you are a good mother when you willingly break up our family causing great harm to our children.  Our marriage was mediocre at best and a total sham at worst.  Both of us are to blame for that, but the bulk of the blame is on you. When I was working my ass off, you were pretending you were never married.  You never concerned yourself with my business or the plans I had for our family’s future.  It was when we had a serious setback in the business you ran away.  There are several more reasons but I will discuss them in more detail below.  You were never abused.  I never hit you, I never swore at you and I never manipulated you or maliciously tried to hurt you feelings, I see now I should have done all of these things.  In fact you did all of those things to me, and I just took it for 13 years.

Tara, I have you written hundreds of letters in my head.  I have had thousands of conversations with you in my mind.  I have cried myself to sleep every night for the first four months after you left thinking about these things.  I have written dozens of letters to you.  There was just so much I wanted to tell you over the last two years that I thought I would explode if I didn’t at least do something with my thoughts.  If I didn’t write them down I would have gone crazy.  Until you actually read the words in this letter I cannot get the closure I need, I cannot go on with my life.  I won’t be able forget you, I won’t be able to hate you and I won’t be able to feel the indifference that you have obviously felt for me for quite some time, the indifference you obviously felt long before you finally left.  I have tried to understand that, but I cannot understand such irrationalities.  At first I could not understand why a woman would do what you did to her man and her family.  I understand this now.  I have come to believe only men can love honestly and you like so many other women will never feel that honest and beautiful emotion for a man.  I could not believe that the love you may have had for me could die such a death.  I cannot believe that your heart would turn cold so quickly.  The only correct conclusion must be that you never really loved me.  You may think you did, but your actions are not signs of love.  You may think you had tried to fix our marriage, but you never tried in the ways that would work.  You only tried in ways that were proven to fail all of the time.  You never tried to understand me.  If you understood what I had gone through, and my needs, we could have prevented this catastrophe.  Until you read this letter, I cannot love another woman with the same intensity that I had loved you.  When you do, I will be completely free to love another with all of my heart.  Of course, I do not expect any type of well reasoned and meaningful response from you concerning anything contained in this or any of my letters.  I don’t think you are deep enough for that.  I don’t think you have the courage to admit your own failures.  I don’t think you can be honest enough with yourself.  I don’t think you have the courage to admit that you never loved me the way you should have, the way I needed you to.  I don’t think you have the courage to challenge your beliefs that are wrong and replace them with ones that are true and that have been proven to work.  Looking back, we would never have been able to fix the real problems between us because that required you listening to me and following my directions, especially in the end.  I tried to influence your beliefs so in time, you would realize the truth.  It is only with a true and accurate understanding of gender dynamics that we would be able to hold our marriage together, not what we wish would happen.  Generations past seemed to have a much better understanding of these concepts.  I saw what was happening during our marriage and especially at the end.  I knew long before you left I was losing you and the suspected the real reasons why.  Not for anything I did really, but because of your thoughts and your beliefs.  I tried to make you see that.  I tried in so many ways to teach you.  But you always though you knew better than me.  You didn’t then and you still don’t, but now I have no responsibility to you and no reason to waste my energy on you.  I cannot afford to waste anything more on you.  You were taught that you would always know better than your husband and that you should always control him.  It was this belief I could never defeat.  It was this belief that doomed us from the words “I do”.

This letter is a purging of the toxic filth you left in my heart, my mind, my spirit and my body, like a sweet smelling poison, my love for you had almost killed me, it is still killing me, but more slowly now.  Now I am cleansing myself of your poisons little by little.  Day by day I am becoming much stronger, but I am still very weak compared to how I was before I loved you.  I am starting to see things for what they really are.  I am free from the opinions of my parents, society’s feminist beliefs, and the lies you tried to convince me were truths.  It took me this long to finally be able to see everything clearly.  You have lived in a fantasy world where black is white and white is purple.  You tried to bring me into your delusions of what a relationship and marriage should be and what love should be.  You had so many unrealistic expectations of marriage and of me.  Expectations no man could ever satisfy.  You have tried to turn me into your fantasy husband. I realized some time ago that no man could ever be what you expect him to be.  You always refused to accept and love me for me.  This explains so much.  That’s all I ever wanted from you.  That’s all I ever needed from you.

Actions have consequences.  Your actions that have hurt so many, me, the girls, the unborn child that you murdered, my unborn child.  Your actions have the potential to forever ruin lives. Your selfish acts have forever affected us, and we will all feel the terrible affects of your actions for many years to come.  You know this because both you and I are products of broken families.  The scary thing for me is your ability to lie to yourself with this reality staring you in the face.  You know the pain it causes the children; you know the pain it causes the adults.  Your father is still broken by the love he has for your mother.  So was my father for my mother.  I was afraid I would be forever broken and end up like them.  It will take all the strength I have to recover, but I am so tired.  I don’t want to fight anymore, but I will fight as long as necessary.  I just want to look into the blue sky once again and breathe my last.  I thought that when that day came I would be with you and the girls in my heart.  I thought if I died in combat my last good thoughts would be of you.  You were always the reason I fought so hard.  You were the reason I survived.  Now that you are gone, my reasons are gone.  For now, I cannot even believe in myself.

I think you have always been a very shallow and selfish woman.  A selfish woman does what you did.  A responsible giving woman would make decisions that benefited the whole, not to the point of self annihilation but in self sacrifice.  She would love honestly, be forever faithful, trustworthy and honest to a fault to her husband.  She would fulfill every need her husband had.  She would be her husband’s best friend and most trusted advisor and confidant.  Those are qualities I don’t believe you ever possessed, and that’s why I never really trusted you.  That is the reason I could never open up to you about my feelings and thoughts.  I don’t think you really even cared who I really am deep down, or what my needs actually were in our marriage.  You never asked, you never inquired and you certainly never showed any interest in knowing.  You never fulfilled my very simple and basic needs either way.  You thought in your mind you did, but you only wanted my needs to be what you thought they should be, not what they actually were.  Anyways, you refused to even consider them.  You certainly never asked me about them, and even if you did, your insecurities and beliefs would have compelled you to shame me for my human needs as you did time and again.  I have realized my needs are natural and normal and there are women who will enjoy fulfilling them because of the love they have for me and the love I have for them.  Nevertheless, you have only cared about your needs and desires only.  I now find it amusing that on so many occasions you tried to tell me what my needs should be, and then shamed me when I expressed my REAL needs to you.  Is this what you were taught?  I am fairly certain you don’t even know who you are deep down and what your real needs are.  I knew what they were in the beginning, but I lost sight of them in the end.  Now I again fully understand what they are.  I know that you would never admit to this, but your needs are not what you think they are, your needs are primal, instinctive, and the result of your childhood traumas.  I know this now.  I realized this far too late of course.

When you left me, you left at one of the times I really needed you the most. I needed your love and support more than ever at that time.  I lost the business a year before and was still reeling from that.  It was only together I could have rebuilt that which was lost.  It was at just that time I was finally able to start feeling better about that and started thinking again about success, but you fired the last round that my heart could take.  From that time on, the me that I loved was dead.  Whatever that was remaining of my self esteem and confidence was gone.  I was shattered.  When you left I felt hopeless and thought I would never again regain the part of me that made me the successful and loved man I was in the past.  At least I was wrong about that.  I will survive this like I survived other challenges and crisis in the past.

There is a very true saying that applies here:

“A woman cannot love a man as honestly and completely as he can love a woman.  She only loves how the man makes her feel at any given moment or what the man can do for her.  She only gives the man conditional love, while the man loves her unconditionally.”

When you left me, you destroyed me.  There is only so much a man can take, and you were able to do what no other person could do, break me and break my spirit.  After you left I sat on the couch for months in an empty house, still dirty from when you and your friends came and moved your things out.  I didn’t want to live any longer.  I was dead inside anyway.  I remembered the look in your blue eyes that day, the look of triumph.  I never thought I would see such coldness in the eyes I once found so beautiful and warm.  Eyes I lost myself in.

For many years I had been willing to do everything I knew how to do to insure a bright future for us.  I did the best I could do with the knowledge I had.  I never received the help I needed from you to do this.  I needed your help but you wanted to do your own thing.  There was no future in your plans or your activities.

I wish I could tell you I immediately went back to being how I was before I met you, confident, happy, successful and content with my life.  I wish I could tell you I went out and started socializing with beautiful women like I did in the past.  I wish I didn’t have to tell you how broken I was.  I wish I didn’t have to tell you I jerked off to your pictures with tears in my eyes, missing you so fucking much. I wish my brokenness didn’t make you as happy as it seems too.

I was dating two other very beautiful women when I met you.  They were good women, smart, sexy, and fun to be around.  They also had much better pasts than you and would have likely been much better wives and mothers as well.  I could have married any one of them if I didn’t join the Marines.  I never believed in “the one true love or soul mate” nonsense.  I believe that there are good woman and there are bad women.  You have proved to me over the years you are one of the later.  I regret passing by all of the good ones I met in the past for you.  But, as you know I joined the Marines.  This happened very soon into our relationship.  I should have just forgotten about you when I went to boot camp and left you to the wolves and what your life would have been without me.  I always believed that I saved you from yourself back then.  I know that for certain now.  As much as you want to deny it, you needed a strong man in your life.  You always did, because before me it seems like you looked for only the weakest of men, feminist men, homosexuals and the like, men who would never hold a woman accountable for their actions, men who did not understand their authority, men who did not have any power.  Lately I have thought what your life would have been like if I left you when I was Australia, or when I knew you were unfaithful to me.  I should have never forgotten either of those transgressions.  I should have judged you then as unsuitable for me which you proved yourself to be.  I should have ended it then knowing both of those things.  I gave you two chances too many.  I think it would have been much different; I think you would have had many more disappointments.  I think ultimately my life would have been better in many ways better if I didn’t marry you.  I think I wasted my one shot at marriage with a woman who was unworthy of taming me.  You would have been used by the other wolves.  You would have likely given the best of yourself to random men, leaving little to nothing for your husband like you did for me.  Then you would have married one of the weak ones that you seemed to gravitate towards.  He would have bored you eventually and then you would have been unfaithful to him or left him also, destroying his life.  I don’t think you would have been happy or satisfied with any man, well maybe a man who let you have his balls, a man who you could completely control.  But in the end it was I who became weak because if and in spite of you.

I changed a lot of my behaviors to be more acceptable to you while you kept most of your old beliefs and changed a only few things only for your own benefit.  You never did anything to be more acceptable to me.  It is painfully obvious that the thought never even crossed your mind.  I suppressed who I was so you wouldn’t leave me or be offended.  I was never bad and there was never anything wrong with me or my behaviors.  I know this now, I realized this too late.  I should have never been scared to lose you and it was you who were offensive.

Even when we were “supposedly” together you were getting drunk and fucking around with my brother friends and then you killed our baby.  Maybe it was never mine to begin with, come to think of it.  That would actually make more sense now that I think of it and the timeline of events.  I had to force myself to forget all of that.  It would have killed me to think about how evil your actions really were.  I had to believe the lie I had to tell myself that you were a good and honorable woman.  You never even apologized to me for that shit.  That’s so fucked up on so many levels.

I wish I didn’t follow my mother advice and the fucked up programming I received from her.  I wish I learned then what I know now.  I wish I had never married you.  I don’t say this because I want to be mean, but because I ended up choosing to love you more than any other woman I had ever met.  I chose to commit my life to you and our family, even though I realized far too late you could never give me the true fulfillment and happiness a wife should give her husband.  I had to find my happiness in my business and with my friends.  It was the only meaningful connection I had with other people.  I had though in the beginning our marriage would fail, in time.  The statistics don’t lie, only feminism does.  I knew your ideologies and conditioning would kill any long term commitments you may have promised me.  The commitment I had bet my life on. I thought I might lead you to change those beliefs, but I was terribly wrong. You never changed anything about yourself; you just got better at being you.  Taking my last name was bullshit, I always knew that.  You should have just kept yours so everyone would now you were a feminist.  Well, you will get that back soon enough.  I knew then you would do what you did and leave, or just start fucking other men.  I wish I had proof of any infidelity on your part.  It would have given me the strength to leave you and then never look back much sooner. Maybe you were and I was just deluding myself when I thought you were faithful to me.  I cannot trust anything you said to me in the past.  Only you know if Maddy and Zoe are truly my children.  However, if I do ever find out more about your infidelities it will make me reignite the hate I felt for you.  I really don’t want to know anymore.  I have worked very hard to feel the indifference for you I am now starting to feel like the indifference you have felt for me for so long.  I cannot let my failure at making you accountable for your past and present actions make me feel bad anymore.

I realized long ago it was a myth that a woman would truly nurture her man.  Women do not nurture men.  Women confuses their sympathy for true empathy.  This is a truth that has been hidden to many men for some time.  Men are told that women are mysterious.  That’s another lie because women are not a mystery at all.  When I learned about how their minds actually do work, I found myself in so many wonderful relationships with many beautiful women.  However, I put these truths in the back of my mind with you.  When a man is going through hard times it is exceedingly rare for a woman to be able to empathize with her man and support him on the emotional level he needs.  Many of the men I know are far more empathetic than that of any woman I have met.  That is another thing that happened to us.  I could never trust you to open up to you about what I was feeling because of your continuous judgment of my feelings.  You never once showed empathy towards me, sympathy yes, but never empathy.  I was always bothered by that.

It was when I had too trust you for lack of any better options, after the shit with the shop happened, you became totally disgusted with me, which proved I was right not to ever completely trust you.  That was one big reason our marriage was really never what I had hoped it would be.  That is a reason it was never as fulfilling as I always hoped it would become.  This was because of you, not me.  I will not allow you to change the narrative of our relationship any longer.

Anyways, when all of the challenges of business and life were happening, I never felt you really cared about what my work and my mission meant for me and our family.  When thinking back, I really never felt that you were really concerned about anything I was going through.  The only things I really felt from you were indifference and maybe disappointment when the shop was lost.  You said a few times you were proud of me before that happened, but the tone of your voice told me you were just parroting some nonsense you read in a book or heard somewhere, some crap that said you need to tell your husband this or that so he will do things for you or some such bullshit.  Sorry babe, you needed to actually mean it.  Plus that’s not how it works anyways.  I heard you telling me things that your heart showed me you never felt.  You never really supported me in any of my endeavors.  The only pride you might have felt was for the fact that your husband was a business owner or he was a Marine, but you were never proud of me for being me, or me doing the best I could, or working hard, or me having the foresight to try to accomplish my goals or my mission.  You seemed only proud of the status you received by being my wife.  It was when I failed you showed me how proud you were of me by leaving me.  When you left, and under the circumstances of your departure, it became apparent to me that the only value I was to you was as a business owner.  When the business was essentially lost, so was my value to you.  This is also confirmed by the many sarcastic statements you made to this effect afterwards.  It is a shame that this was the only value you ever saw in me.  If there was more, you would have shown it, you have never left.

Either way, there are women who will show me empathy and will be an asset in my life and not a liability.  There are woman who do share my interests and I will share theirs.  This additional richness in experience will benefit my daughters by exposing them to many more things than if you and I had stayed together.  You and I never had the same interests anyways.  You could care less about what I did.  It is important for a woman to follow her mans lead, but you never wanted too.  You wanted me to follow your lead.  You were only interested in doing your thing, which would never benefit our family unit into the future.

Another thing, when we met you were a failure at anything domestic.  You couldn’t clean, cook or even fuck.  Now you are apparently a good maid, an ok cook but you still suck in bed, at least with me you do.  I feel so disappointed that you only gave me the intensity I really needed less than a dozen times in our entire relationship.  It might have been a different marriage if you mastered the third skill.  I needed the intensity of our break up fuck all the time, not once a year on average.  Do you know how you fucked up my head with that?  Do you know that I had a screwed up perception of sex with that shit?  I learned that most women I know actually like anal sex.  Who would’ve thought?  The lies you told me never fit in my real world experience, and you tried to shame my experiences and knowledge by telling me all women believe in your lies.  The real world, with real woman, proves you have always been wrong.  I just wonder why you lied to me all those years about this shit.  Deep down I never believed your lies, thank God.  It’s a good thing I have very supportive friends, who helped me prove to myself I was always a good lover.  Maybe you gave your best to the men before me and only gave me the scraps.  Maybe your new lover is absolutely amazing and, shit I don’t know.  Speaking of that, it still fills me with great sadness and jealousy to think of another man touching you.  It should not, but it does.  Deep down I still want you to only want me.  I know you don’t, but while I am sharing everything else I thought I should mention it.

You made me feel shame for my desires, my needs and my skills.  Nothing about my desires was shameful then and there is nothing shameful about them now.  It would have done us well for you to have learned this a long time ago.  Maybe you just didn’t like sex.  Maybe you just didn’t like it with me?  Who knows?  I think its now funny how you pulled out all the stops on the last night we fucked.  I remember how you even told me that “this is what you will be missing.”  That was your only true statement to me in years.  The only thing I missed was the closeness I felt to you while we had sex.  That’s the only part of my sexual needs I received and even that was lacking.  With you gone, there was no reason for me to want to feel close to you.  I only missed doing it with you for that closeness, not the quality of the act, because it was consistently such a low quality.  I needed intensity in our love making.  I have bedded many women in my life and I know what I like and how to make a woman’s body respond to my touch.  I can give any woman intense pleasure.  I can make a woman cum very quickly and as many times as I wish.  You never let me touch you like that.  Your response told me my touch disgusted you.  I think maybe you were incapable of responding to any mans touch.  Your words and actions projected the disgust you seemed to feel when I touched you.  Even when we slept and I wanted to be close to you, you would shove me away.  Maybe you are a lesbian.  You told me you had those desires with your old roommate.  Now, wouldn’t that be funny?  I don’t even think about having sex with you anymore and have not thought about that for a very long time.  If I was to fuck you again today, I would just be…extremely disappointed.

This brings up something I thought about for years and even mentioned it to you once or twice.  When I would consistently cum in your pussy, we were closer to each other in general.  You seemed to love me more, and I know I felt closer to you.  I always needed to cum inside you.  It was so important to me and to us.  I think if you had true faith you would know that God would not give us any more children than what we could handle.  There is a lot of research that supports this.  It was when we stopped doing that, a real disconnect was felt between us.  I think the Catholics have that one right.  Maybe that’s why God does not like pulling out in the bible.  Well, you were always disgusted with anything masculine, you though sex with me was gross, you though my cum was gross, and the list goes on and on.  It was only a long time after you left that I found out you are the odd one.  Other women actually like all aspects of sex with me.  It was me who was too vanilla at first because you fucked up my thinking with your lies.  Now that I am back to normal thinking, sex is fun, intense and very satisfying for me and my partner.

You would have never started your business if not for my guidance and skills.  I taught you how to clean and I taught you the basics of a service business.  That knowledge didn’t just pop up in your head one day.  You never once acknowledged that.  You fooled yourself into thinking you did all of that yourself.  You did the work, the actual cleaning, but the brains and encouragement behind it initially were mine to a large extent.  You never even seemed proud of your business.  I never understood why.  I always thought you should have been more proud of what you did.

Another thing I saw was your cowardice for never being able to talk about any important issues we had between us.  It wasn’t me who couldn’t communicate, it was always you.  I am a good communicator.  I tried the best I could.  You would even freak out about specific words I would use.  I had to watch everything I said around you.  It was like walking on eggshells.  That was always your problem, it was never mine and I accept no blame in this, although I tried many times to change myself and take ownership of your deep seated emotional issues and insecurities.  That was my mistake, one I will not ever do again with you or any other woman.

It was your insecurities and emotional issues that ultimately prevented your own happiness and destroyed our marriage.  I don’t see you as having any peace in your life, until you accept this.  I see you trying to fake it though.  But I hope you realize this in time.  When that happens I hope you will change and then be able to find the true happiness that has eluded you for so long.  I see you realizing you made a mistake when you broke up our family. You feel that I abused you and I lived a double life.  That statement is grossly inaccurate, and you know it.  I had to walk on eggshells with you for more than a decade.  I had to watch my emotions and all of my words.  I could never honestly talk to you about any of my feelings, thoughts and needs.  That’s you abusing me in a very real sense.  That’s you killing my spirit slowly.  Is there any wonder I didn’t want to be around you for any amount of time?  Is there any wonder why I lost myself in my work?  Is it any wonder I sometimes had thoughts about giving my love to another woman?  I thought it was I who was so messed up when you left.  I felt so much guilt and shame about things I never did wrong.  The weapon that killed our marriage was your own emotional issues and insecurities.  The reasons for our marriage ultimately failing lay at your feet alone.

I would have done anything to save our family.  I always would have.  I tried the best I could with what I knew at the time.  But the most important thing that needed to be done was for us to communicate in an open, honest and meaningful way.  That never happened nor could it, not in the beginning and certainly not when we needed to the most.  You did nothing but bitch and complain.  You had a chance to work with me to fix US for almost 6 months after you left.  You squandered your only chance and now its gone forever.  I will replace you easily when I am ready but you will likely never replace me with a man of equal or greater quality.  Quality men like me look for woman of good character and integrity.  When you tell them your story they will know the truth and the frivolity of your actions will be apparent.  That is part of the lie you have chosen to believe in.  Good men don’t commit to single mothers or women who divorce for bullshit reasons.  Good men don’t have too.

I did many things that didn’t help the situation.  I take responsibility for my actions, even the ones that had good intentions, but led to poor results.  But in hindsight, most of those things were reactions from how you never met my needs and mistreated me over the years.  From the rage and the violence you showed towards me, to the indignation you had for me almost every day of our marriage.  I think it may have started when you murdered the baby.  A baby I was never sure was even mine to begin with.

Regardless, my sins were minor compared to yours.  There was no permanence to my sins.  The only thing you didn’t like about my actions was that it took control from you.  I wasn’t even sexually unfaithful.  You were just mad when you realized you couldn’t control my sexuality.  I would never give any woman that kind of control over me anyhow.  Very few women deserve that kind of power over a man and you were never one of those quality women. I gave you opportunity to prove yourself to be that woman, but you thought you were already perfect.  Your perceived perfection led to your loss of this control and authority over my desires.  Another woman has proven herself, and the behaviors you found so offensive are not even considered with her.  She does her job and the results speak for themselves.  She was not even opposed to the actions because she knew she could control those actions by doing her job and fully satisfying my desires.  She earned the authority to object by her actions.  You will do well to learn this.

My mother’s advice to me has always been wrong.  She destroyed the good relationships I had with the most marriageable and wonderful women I had met and encouraged relationships with broken women like you.  I still cannot fathom why she would do this.  By my mother’s insistence and prodding, I pushed away my first true love.  I wanted to marry her back then.  I really should have.  I took her virginity.  Sex with her was always amazing.  She was so sexy and beautiful I didn’t need to look at other women.  She is now married to my replacement and they have been married for years with several beautiful children.  I am very happy for her happiness.  Unfortunately, women like my mom raise men like me who cannot appreciate the good women.  I have since corrected that problem.  I have again realized what a prize I really am.  I have realized the high value I do posses.  I am not disposable like woman of your caliber and ideology seem to think all men are.

Maybe you were told to leave me by someone, maybe all of the books you read or your religion led you to make that decision for yourself without any other influence.  I guess it really makes no difference now.  I can honestly say, and this is based upon quickly going through what you were reading, your words and your actions during our marriage.  Most of what you think you want in a man and a husband is hogwash.  That’s why I never read that crap seriously, and would never actually do that crap in any relationship I was in.  Nothing written in those books or taught at your church teaches how truly satisfying and committed relationships work.  It shows the feminine imperative and how men should be pussies and be lead by their wives, but that is not how wives stay consistently sexually attracted to their husbands in the real world.  It is also against Gods order.  My real world knowledge worked with you and it works in the present.  You may object in order to maintain a false modesty or continue in your victimhood, but that is just your mind trying to rationalize and deny your very biology and instincts, which contradicts your conditioning.  What made you leave me was your hypergamy, your misandric attitudes, and me failing to continue being the man who sexually excited you.  I am responsible only for the third issue.  Another thing that caused you to want to leave was that I didn’t maintain enough consistent control over you and the marriage.  I let you have far too much independence.  You never proved yourself trustworthy for the independence you had.  On second thought, maybe that would have made me want to spend more time with you.

You are likely to meet a nice “religious” man at some point I am sure.  I really doubt he will manage to keep you sexually attracted to him for the long run, but we will see.  However, I wouldn’t wait much longer if I was you.  Women your age really start to go downhill fast, unlike men.  This greatly impacts the quality of the men you will meet.

When I met you at 20 years old and married you a couple of years later, I married my gorgeous young bride.  Even now I still think about how beautiful you were to me then.  I was able to experience you when you were at your youngest, when you were freshest.  If we were still married now and even ten or twenty years from now, I would always see in my mind that young beautiful woman I married and fell in love with.  No other man will ever have that.  No other man would be able to fall in love with your innocence, your tight pussy, your youthful beauty, your alleged sexual inexperience or your naivety.  You will never be able to give another man what I had.  You can only give him a body that has had two children, saggy skin and stretch marks, an unknown number of sexual partners and all of your emotional baggage and the unrealistic expectations you come to believe you deserve.  You will take out on him all of the hurts and disappointments and fabricated abuses you feel I did to you.  You will make him jump through hoops no man could ever satisfy.  You will take out on him all of your childhood pains that even now, you still refuse to deal with.  You will show him all of the shame and guilt you carry in your heart.  He will get the worst of you while I had the best years of your life, and what little good you had.  You will treat him worse than you treated me.

You may fell tremendous regret for giving me those years, and wish even now you gave yourself to another man instead of me.  That’s cool, given my deep regret for marring you.  It is only fair I suppose.  Maybe you feel like you ultimately settled for me and could have done so much better.  Maybe you could have, maybe not.  Maybe I was always second to who you truly loved but could never have.  Maybe I was always second best in your heart and that’s why you were only lukewarm in your affections for me.   Maybe you are already talking again to your true love, the one you should have married.  Maybe you never even loved me to begin with.  You had a choice though; you could have chosen to understand me and to love me with all of your heart.

In the end, love is a choice and a decision.  You could have chosen to not murder that child you told me was mine.  You could have chosen to allow me to grieve for what I thought was OUR dead baby that you killed against my deepest wishes.  You could have chosen to be courageous when you felt nothing but fear.  You could have chosen to realize that much of the social conditioning you learned in high school and college would lead you feel the unhappiness you always felt with me.  If you had chosen to allow me to be the man and lead our family, you would be happy right now.  You would be in a loving, stable and satisfying marriage.  Our remaining children would have ended up being raised in an intact household.  In your mind you delude yourself into thinking I was always the bad guy, when in reality it was always your choices that led to all of your unhappiness.   I was only recently able to fully realize that your unhappiness never had anything to do with me.  You were unhappy before you even met me.  You were empty in a way that I could never fill you.

I now wish with all of my heart I would have stopped talking to you and walked away from you and any future we might have had when you murdered that child.  Nothing you can ever do will ever make that decision ok.  I don’t care how much you pray, go to memorials, or how involved you are in the pro life movement, you will die with the shame and guilt of that baby’s blood on your hands, as will I, for not stopping you.

Unlike you, I can marry a much younger woman and start again.  I can get her innocence, youth and beauty and start another family.  I can correct the rough parts of my personality and with the wisdom of my years, do the things necessary that would insure a long and happy relationship.  I can only do this by my own self awareness and going through the work to change my conditioning and deal with the deep seated issues from my own childhood.

I still don’t know why you never made any effort to at least try to fix our marriage, or at least talk about it.  You may think you did try, but all you did was complain and judge me.  You never tried, because you refused to see yourself as anything but perfect.  You always saw me as the bad guy and the reason for your unhappiness.  I would think you would have at least tried to talk some things through when you left, if only to get healthy closure for both of us.  Maybe you are as selfish as I think you are.  Maybe you were having an affair in the end and really didn’t care.  Maybe you decided to leave me long before you actually did.  Maybe you never thought past your own desires to think that maybe it would be helpful to our children if I also got the closure I would need so I could move on quicker and be a better father.  No, you like all other modern women like you never think about anyone but yourselves.  I should have never expected anything else from you.  I should never have held you in the high regard that I did.  Fortunately I no longer put you on any type of pedestal.  Either way, I am now getting the closure I need by realizing how you really were very flawed in the beginning and are more so now.  Now I can see past the love I had for you to see the truth that everyone else saw in you.  Yes, many other people saw how fucked up you were to me.  Don’t be so shocked, it was more than obvious to them, but not to me.

I think you became totally lost when you merged the beliefs of your church to those of your prior feminist indoctrination.  I could have dealt with you being a feminist because I knew I could influence you to change those beliefs in time.  I remember when that was; I remember how you began changing for the worst.  I remember the last time we had a chance to succeed as a couple.  Unfortunately it was over before it hardly began.  I remember thinking then that I should have stopped you from adopting those beliefs or it will kill our marriage.  I was absolutely right.  It was when you adopted those beliefs that your church became your new husband and it would only be a matter of time when you actually divorced the old one, me.  It was like you joined a cult.  I had no place in your life after that.  I was nobody to you after that.  I can remember how you never once would even listen to my opinions on the matter.  That still makes me very angry.  Soon enough I will just laugh at it and you as you realize in the future how much of lie that church is.

My opinions and thoughts only mattered if they corresponded positively to the beliefs of your church.  That’s not healthy.  That’s one reason I hated you going there.  They used something so important and beautiful to corrupt you.  They perverted the word of God to control you.  They twisted Gods word to the extent you really believed you were right for leaving me.  I wonder what other sins their teaching made ok in your mind.  I hear sexual immorality, divorce, adultery, premarital sex, and other sins are rampant in your church and affiliated churches.  Wow, your church seems more wicked than the secular world.  It was in Hawaii when I realized you were much more interesting and fun before you believed in that church’s teachings, but at the time I had bigger things to deal with.  It was then I should have left you and never looked back.  It was then when I was still able to do so.

It not Christianity I am opposed to.  I never was.  I always liked the idea of all of us attending the same church.  The bible even gave me the authority to pick a church or have the final say on which one we would attend, but you don’t believe in that part of the bible, do you?  It was always about their control over you and you in turn trying to control me.  Even the bible warns that women are much easier to deceive than men in these matters.  I have been a Christian for far longer than you.  I have knowledge and faith.  I had a two hour long discussion with your pastor and he couldn’t even rationally debate me or address my concerns in a logical and rational way.  His magic tricks did not work on me in his circular arguments.  He used every false argument and doctrine in his arsenal.  I was mad then, but its funny as hell now, because that’s where he is going.  It was then that I realized he is not stupid; he knows exactly what he is doing, but he is also wrong and he is also deluded.  My knowledge about the Bible and doctrine has always surpassed yours. Not because I am so much smarter, but because I was willing to learn things for myself and no my own, and I studied subjects sometimes for years.  I never needed another to guide me.  Most of what I learned was when I did not belong to any church.  I can think and reason for myself about these things.  I studied ceaseless for years to understand and find the answers to my questions.  I don’t think you have ever done that, I know you haven’t.  You have only shown me your willingness to adopt what your church teaches without any consideration as to the truth or validity to the doctrines that were presented.  You refuse to consider any other analysis or point of view.  During the rare times when we talked about my dislike of your church you only parroted what you heard during the last sermon.  I always thought you were smarter than that.  I was very disappointed when I realized how easily fooled you can be.  However I am not delusional.  I don’t believe in fairy tales.  I know how to arrive at my own conclusions about things I read and learn about.  I don’t require another’s analysis of a subject.  I don’t think you were ever able to do that.  You would always get very defensive about my questioning your church’s teaching and authority over your beliefs.  You would always go into a rage, which now I find very interesting.  It is not normal for someone to get so defensive and not be able to talk calmly, like adults, about the issues that I presented.  I have studied your church’s doctrine and teachings in much more depth than you ever have.  I have watched all of their videos and read all the written material.  I have vomited, literally, when I realized how brainwashed you had become.  It made me so fucking sick; it made me fall to my knees in pain as I realized I had totally lost you.  God knows my pain.  He and I spoke often about it.  My opinions and observations have always been correct.  I have my suspicions as to why.  Although our marriage was on life support and dying, many of the reasons for that can be traced directly to your church’s teachings.  Not only that, even when considering the state of our marriage for several years, in the end you left me for your church.  You broke up our family so you didn’t have to defend the doctrines they taught from my arguments any longer.  You knew you couldn’t.  You left me for the control they had over your mind and your spirit.  You know I knew more than you ever would and that I studied doctrine to such depth that you could never convince me that your church was benign and what they taught was even marginally correct.  I only studied these things when I began to see the control they had over your mind and thoughts.  If I was wrong, don’t you think I would admit that?  Don’t you think that I truly and honestly believed that I found a real problem between us and tried like hell to fix it?  Don’t you think I wanted to save our marriage?  Don’t you think that I spent all of that time and wasted resources because I loved you so much?  Unfortunately your action and words only prove I have always been right.  However, I would never ignore your churches errors in exchange for our marriage, because that’s my eternity on the line.  That’s also biblical by the way.  I will have to correct the lies that you and your church have taught our children.  I would rather they didn’t believe in God right now than they believe the lies your church teaches.  In the end, those lies will only lead to their unhappiness and destruction.  They will always know that your church, your beliefs and your decisions caused the fatal blows to our marriage and to our family.  I really don’t have to do anything but watch as they completely lose their faith in your church and maybe even Christianity.  In time they will totally reject everything they were taught.  The pain in their little hearts will compel them to do this.  I give them only a few years before they fully realize what I predict here.  Children are like that.  They are intuitive to so many things we take for granted.  Yes, I hate your church.  It makes me burn with jealous rage to know how they stole my wife’s love and my children from me.  My wife is gone, but I hope and pray I can save my children.  You will actually help me with that.  You will do and say things that will convince them and others of the truth I have always seen.  As your anger is burning in your chest from reading this letter, know this, it is this anger that is all the proof I need.  It is this anger, which proves that you know deep down the words I write here are so very true.

It is not about churches that teach a correct version of the bible I have ever had a problem with.  I even will accept differences in some doctrinal beliefs.   On the contrary, it was when I advocated us as a family going to a different church you freaked out.  I did not have a larger agenda to my demand and my demand was just and proper.  It was then when all of my suspicions were confirmed.  Like Eve led the human race into sin, you have led our family into darkness.  As I tried to pull us out of that darkness, you jumped into the pit headlong with our innocent children in tow.  It was only as I looked into the precipice for you and them afterwards all of my fears were justified.  It was then I knew God would condemn you in the end.  I know you will never believe me, you don’t have to.  Your disbelief has no affect on the truth of Gods word.  Your disbelief does not change reality or the truth.

I was hoping to send you a love letter sometime.  For the longest time I just wanted you to come back to me.  I would cry when I heard songs that reminded me of Hawaii and you, I would feel sad when I looked at the perceived love you had for me in the pictures of us.  When I started this, I thought this would finally be it, the last one I would ever write to you, and it will be.  I have nothing else to say to you after this.  After this the only subject between us will be the basic needs of the girls and parenting time.  When they are of age even that will cease, forever ending the last bond we share together.  When that happens we can forget about each other.  I do remember when you told me you wanted me out of the girls lives.  Maybe you will get lucky and I may meet my end sooner rather than later.  Its 12 years and counting starting now.

In the previous letters I wrote to you it wasn’t love I was portraying in those letters, but the pain I was feeling, a racking, an all encompassing pain.  A pain I had never felt before.  I was merely begging you to come home so my pain would stop.  I have always been dependant on you and our marriage for my strength.  I see now I was somewhat codependent.  Altogether it was not healthy for me or us, but you leaving amplified my problems 100 fold.  It is now I have a chance to fix myself completely and permanently.  As I mentioned you had serious psychological issues during our marriage.  They are still there, stronger than ever.

In the end, you never deserved my self respect and that is what I was giving up when I begged for you to come home to me in those letters.  I realized some time ago I can’t love you anymore, it was killing me.  Loving you has always been a mistake that I will pay dearly for into the foreseeable future.  I should have known better and not let myself love you completely during our marriage.  I should have fucked all those women who wanted me over the years.  I should have never turned down any of the opportunities I was presented with.  If I followed through on my lusts, I wouldn’t have been as heartbroken when you left. I would have numbed myself, and hardened my heart.  I would have had your replacement already lined up.  But that’s not what happened.  I never wanted those women.  I was actually faithful to you to the end and it got me nowhere.  I only wanted you to satisfy my needs.  Every time we made love I hoped the intensity would be there between us.  I was always disappointed. Until recently I compared all the women I would meet to you.  I compared their bodies to your, their smell to yours, the feel of their skin to yours, how they kiss to how you kissed me.  I even compared how they felt like when I am inside of them to how I felt when I was inside of you.  During our marriage I always compared the other attractive women I would meet to you and I always choose you over all of them.  You were the only one I have ever wanted for all these years.  You were the only one I have ever needed.  Now I realize that you never deserved my faithfulness.  Instead of comparing those women to you I should have compared you to them.

Most American women do not deserve any man fidelity.  Women like you are the majority and women like you do not possess the character or skills to fulfill a man.  Women like you expect everything from the men in your lives.  You expect all of our labors, you expect our time and attention, and you expect us to sacrifice everything we desire as men for you.  Yet, you and your peers cannot even satisfy the most basic of men’s needs.  You refuse to be good wives, you cant cook, you even refuse to learn how to be good lovers, telling us we should just be satisfied with what you give us, or its disrespectful to demand you know how to fuck.  Really?  It is disrespectful to me that you don’t know how to fuck and refused to learn.  Men with experience leave our martial beds after sex with our wives with many unfulfilled needs, and women like you wonder why we desire other women and look at porn.  But, men like me have many choices and you made mine for me.  Even now with any new woman I meet I tell them not to expect monogamy from me if they cannot satisfy me.  If a new woman cannot fulfill me I will seek it elsewhere from others.  Love is a useless emotion.  All modern women are incapable of honest love so they don’t deserve it from a man.  Look at your single friends.  Look at your friends who desire a good man in their lives.  Those same women don’t deserve a good man because they are unable or simply refuse to give him what he needs while demanding and feeling entitled to everything from him.  This is one reason for my behavior.  It should have never even surprised you.

In the beginning I thought you might have been extraordinary, but I was very wrong, you are the average.  You are like most other women.  You have never respected any man in your life, not your father and certainly not me.  Maybe you respected the old mangina feminists you were talking to and fucking in college, the men least deserving of any woman’s respect.  You had a distorted view from the beginning about quality men.  You have a distorted view on love.  Maybe your father did something to you sexually to incur the fear and hate you have of him.  Maybe that’s why your hate for me was always so amplified.  Maybe that’s why you found sex with me so repugnant.  I don’t care much about that anymore except your distorted perceptions are going to mess up my daughters.  I am unsure if I can even mitigate that damage.  Either way, I will always love them and do my best to show them what a real man is, the man I want them to fall in love with.  I will teach them to be young women deserving of a good man.  For them to deserve a good man they cannot be like you in any way, they must be good and honorable women.  If they are like you they will do the same to their husbands and lovers that you have done to me and likely other men in your past.

I often hear women ask what happened to all of the good men and how come men no longer want to marry of have families.  Women like you happened to us.  Most good men will never marry or marry again, we will not work for a woman, and we will no longer desire children.  We will not commit to single mothers; we refuse to support other men’s children.  It is women like you that have done the most damage to our society.  Long ago there were standards of behavior; there was shame in breaking up a family.  Now it is so common your friends were likely applauding your decision.  You or your friends may have even had my replacement waiting in the wings for when the accepted amount of time had elapsed for you to start dating.  That’s more the norm than actually sticking by your commitments.  That’s why I cannot afford for our daughters to emulate you or your decisions.

By now your spell is wearing off.  The bio-chemical and spiritual bond we shared is gone forever and the separation has begun to harden my heart to you and any other women I may meet.  It hurt me so much physically and emotionally to not be around you.  I needed your presence.  I didn’t wash my sheets for months after you left for fear of losing your scent on the pillows.  Even if by some off chance you were trying to play a game so I would chase you, you overplayed your hand.  I don’t chase women.  I don’t have too.  I never really had to in the past, and even less so now it seems.  Why would you want other women to chase me instead of you? You made a decision and now we all must pay for it.  We had a chance to work on things, a good chance I think, before the clock ran out.  I remember looking into your blue eyes once, right after you left and seeing that last spark, but I believe it was your pride and your cowardice stopping you from doing the right thing, reaching out to sooth my pain and letting me sooth yours.  For the last 13 years only you could have soothed me, only you could have made me feel better.  It was a power I happily gave to you.  It was a power you had over me that you threw in my face.  I had to learn to sooth myself.  I did eventually and now I am almost happy that you never made that last effort to save our marriage.

I hoped for a long time that you not filing for divorce were a sign you eventually wanted to work on things and stay married.  I know deep down that was always a fallacy, a false hope on my part.  I still don’t know why you wait, maybe you are just a cheapskate, and maybe it’s your cowardice?  Maybe you are lazy?  Maybe you are even scared of finally being without a husband?  Maybe you still just want to control me and pull my strings like I let you in the past?  Maybe you want to see me in pain for as long as possible?  Maybe you know deep down that once the decree is signed you fear I will never care about you again or what happens to you.  Maybe you are feeling the loneliness and the betrayal that your decision is not all the fun it has been shown to be in the media.  Maybe all the hot guys have still not shown enough interests in you.  Maybe you stopped believing the lie.  Either way, I want out of our marriage now more than ever.  I have a new future to build that I think will be better than anything you and I could have done together.  This revelation actually hurts me to my core so much because it showed to me how much I had been willing to settle for with you instead of demanding the best from you.  All I needed from you, my wife, was you showing me genuine respect and adoration, taking care of my sexual needs with whatever intensity that was required by me, and providing me with the warmth and trust where I could in turn trust you.  You would in turn have gotten all of your needs met, such as my devotion, my faithfulness, my respect, and my undying love and commitment.

You have given me the biggest “fuck you” a woman could give a man, your abandonment without any discussion either before or after and then your indifference towards me.  After 13 years I know I deserve so much more.  I won’t get that of course. I no longer expect closure from you.  It would take a woman of character, integrity, and courage for that.  A woman of character would have handled things much different.  A woman with integrity and moral courage would have given me closure and would have allowed herself to receive the same from me.  That way we both would have moved on in a good and healthy way.

I don’t hate you.  I wont allow myself to feel that only because of the girls.  I loved you so damn much during our entire marriage.  When you left, my dreams were shattered, my heart lay in pieces and I had no direction anymore.  Now I only feel anger and resentment at you and your choices because of how they will affect my kids.  I no longer feel a great loss at what we had.  What did we have anyways?  I don’t know anymore.  I now believe that most of our marriage was a sham.  I think you manipulated me from the beginning to marry you by portraying a false image of what I wanted to see and not who you really are.  The only thing positive to come from our marriage was the girls, and now they are the tainted children of divorce, a statistic.  This does not affect my deep love for them at all, but it’s the truth.  Their chances at a lifetime marriage are only about 20%.  Those are shitty odds.  I grieve for them the most.  I will never marry again.  I see no point.  There is nothing in that institution for me and there never was.  I will never have any more children.  I may love another woman as much or more than I loved you, but I will never give her what I gave to you.  I will always keep my distance.  I will never allow my feelings to cloud my judgment again.  I made a terrible decision by marrying you.  I will not take that chance again.  It was never worth it.

While going through all of these emotions, healing and growing I was too fucked up to see the girls.  I think it would have been worse if they saw my crippling pain.  You don’t show any pain I am sure, and I know you don’t feel any, but I am a very passionate and empathetic man and cannot hide my pain like you can.  I almost fall apart when I look at the pain in my daughters faces.  As I get better I will be able to put on the face you do, the face of indifference.  At that point I can be the good daddy that they need.  You can try to use these words against me.  They are not threatening, they are not abusive.  They are what I felt like in our marriage and the feelings I had when you left me and took the children from me.  In the end you may realize the pain you have caused the girls and me.  I hope that one day you will repent for this.  I hope one day I can forgive you for your unforgivable betrayal.

I don’t want to end this letter on a bad note, but the good I saw in our marriage is tempered by the mediocrity and the bad I now see was always in it.  I really wish I could still fool myself and tell you I saw a lot of good in our marriage and relationship.  There are tasks you helped me with, and you will use those to justify your actions or use them to tell yourself you were a good wife, but that’s a lie.  All of the fundamental core problems in our marriage were ultimately yours personally.  You will never take ownership of this I know, but it’s the truth.  It makes me sad.

There is a few notable good things, but they were based upon my own unhealthy neediness and not anything you did.  Examples like me needing to touch you all of the time were my neediness for you.  I always thought you were a decent mother and attentive to the kids needs.  I hope my opinion does not change on that too much, we will see I suppose.  I am glad you continue to home school them, although I don’t think it’s a long term viable option for our new parenting dynamic.  I do realize that from time to time you tried to be sexy and available for me.  I don’t think you were really genuine when you did that then, but maybe I am wrong.  You would never have the guts or maturity to discuss these things with me anyways, so I will believe my first instinct.

I really loved you all of the time.  I cannot remember a time I did not love you.  Porn was a substitute for your lack of quality attention and quality sex with me, nothing more.  I always fantasized that I wished my wife would fuck me like I saw other couples fuck, have sex and make love.  That’s normal when a man is so deprived by his wife.  I lived in ignorance of what you were doing to me over the last 13 years.  Otherwise, I loved being married and having children.  I loved all of it.  Now it’s gone forever.  Sure I have parenting time with the kids, but what I felt married being to you is gone forever and it can never be replaced.  That does not mean I won’t be happy, I am sure I will be far happier in fact without you, in time, but I will always miss being married to you.

My Letters

I Wish

I wish you could apologize to me for the things you had done.  At one time I had such high hopes for us.  I even strongly considered how we could look as a family, me you and my girls.

When I would question your behavior you would deflect the real issues by bringing up minor unrelated nonsense from the past.  You would then expend great effort to make a mountain out of a molehill, all the while never addressing the real and more important issues.

When I would brush off these attempts by you to deflect the discussion, you became further enraged.  It soon became obvious that you were trying to hide your behaviors by refusing to address them.  You lied by omission.

I know the woman I was falling in love with and picturing as part of my family was a fake, a rendition only of my desires and not a real woman.  Your representation of my perfect woman was almost perfect, except you over played your character.  You deviated from the script one too many times.  The audience noticed the contradictions, the mistakes you made.  Your performance became labored, unintelligible, incoherent, your mistakes obvious.

I would have given you everything you needed, not everything you wanted.  There is a big difference and I know intimately what it is.

Love is returned freely when given freely

Respect is earned through feminine submission

Honor is recognized through actions


Letter to Christine

Sitting Here at 3AM

Its 3am on a Sunday and I am sitting here writing letters to you that you will never read. I think about the irony of all of this.  I broke up with you about 3 weeks ago and I am the one alone.  I know you are out, or in for that matter, with the new guy.  I know better than to feel jealousy over this.  You were never mine to begin with, regardless of anything you might have said to the contrary.  I know you can never be alone, yet you always are, inside of your heart.  I only feel sadness now when I reduce my memories of you down to a digital representation of the dreams you tried to make me believe in and the lies you used to cover up the truth.  I know when I am done with this project I will be completely done with you.  I won’t think about you at all when this happens.

Yes, I have other women in my life.  They are good and kind women.  Its just that something is missing with them that I seemed to have with you.  Maybe because you were the first after my wife left.  Maybe it was because I was able to give you the reigns to my life and happiness for awhile, and you were my crutch while I was falling apart.  Maybe it was because you could kill me slowly.  Maybe it was the supernatural way you were able to reach deep inside of me and see all of my most hidden needs and desires.  The weekends are the worst for me right now.  It was the weekends we spent the most time together.  It is also the weekends where I know you are with the other men, not thinking about me, giving them what you promised I would only have.

I know I was harsh to you in those letters I sent.  Maybe if you had the integrity to respond they would have been softer, maybe not though.  It’s not like you didn’t deserve the tongue lashing for what you did to me, and to the others, I make no apologies for anything I might have said to you.  I just wanted an explanation, an apology.  Couldn’t you give me at least that?  I was willing to give you my life!  Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Its not that I didn’t loved you.  I did until I received that letter warning me about you.  I was in shock for days after I read that.  We have been planning to buy a house together.  We were starting to build real dreams together.  I didn’t know whether to trust it, or you.  I knew deep down what the truth was though, I was afraid of it, afraid of what it meant to me, afraid of what the truth could do to me.  That letter confirmed for me all of the things I tried to ignore.  It told me that I needed to trust my gut feelings about you.  I needed to run from you forever and never look back.  Even though I told you to go away from me and never contact me, I still long for a reply to a letter, a reaction from you, anything.  It is now I wish I did not know the truth.  It is on nights like tonight I wish I could still hold you, secure in my ignorance.  Like the frog on a stove in a pot of boiling water, I wanted some more time with you before I lost myself completely to you, before you destroyed me forever.

With you, a passion awoke in me that I thought was lost for good.  A hunger only you could feed.  I felt like a wild animal only you could control.  Except you fed me poison every day and you beat me with whips until I could only cower in your presence.

Nothing I do is out of revenge, it is for closure.  It is in order for me to cleanse my soul of the filth you left behind.  Like a dog that eats his own vomit, I still long for your body at times.  I now want to punish you with my passions.  I want to hurt you with the only thing that gives you any connection to another being.  I know your heart is cold and dead.  Even the intense heat of my love would never be enough to warm you on the inside.  Nobody’s love can.  Light cannot penetrate your darkness.  Your soul is black.

Some nights I think maybe I could have been that man that could warm you, that could make you good, finally bring peace to your life, but such thoughts are foolish you always know that, and so did I  You knew from the beginning it was only a matter of time before I realized you would be the death of me.

But I am still alive, and the poison you gave me is slowly leaving my body.  Soon I will be strong again.  You gave me a strong dose, and now my body will build up a resistance to your poison. You will never be able to hurt me again.

Letter to Christine

Our first Three Dates

I told you too much about me way too soon.  Shit, I think I practically told you my life story the first night we met.  Most women would run away then, because I had a truck load of baggage to deal with at that time, but not you.  You gave me your number and I gave you my business card.  I remember you sent me an email the very next day.  Of course you CC’d the the fat guy who was talking with us at that event.  I always wondered, if he called you or emailed you back.

On or first date about a week later you had me come over for dinner.  It now seemed a little strange that you had a complete stranger come to your house on the first date.  I would think most woman would like to meet in public for the first date at least.

I broke all of the rules.  I talked about my wife, my business problems and I am sure everything else that should turn off a woman.  Not you, you just smiled and asked questions.  I even remember trying to get a peek up your skirt when we were sitting on the couch, and being sorely disappointed to learn they were skirt/shorts.  I guess that’s what happens to a man when it’s been months since he even touched or smelled a woman.  We had chicken, because I grilled it for us.  I remember you asking me if I knew how to grill.

I remember telling you how when my wife left me a mere four months before how devastating it was to me.  I told you that the pain inside of me was still pretty unbearable at times.  I admitted to you how all I needed was someone to love, to express my emotions with, a friend and a lover.

I think we talked for a while and then I left.  I was nervous, seeing as I had not been on a date with another woman in over 12 years.  I wondered if you would call me again.

On our second date, we went to my friend’s house on the lake.  You were the hottest woman there in your little white bikini.  Your big beautiful tits just spilled out of your top.  Your ass was amazing.  All the men ogled you.  It didn’t bother me though.  When we took the boat out and we all jumped in the warm water, I thought for sure you and I were going to have sex in the water in front of hundreds of other boaters.  Remember that couple on one of the boats where the woman was giving that guy head?  I was so hot for you then.  I loved how you straddled me in the water, how I played with your pussy thru your bikini bottoms.  I remember how you made sure you ground my hardness into you.

The day turned into night and we barbequed that night at my friend’s house.  I still don’t know what I did or said, but you told me not to make you look like a whore in front of my friends.  You smoked a lot of pot that night and drank to excess it seemed.  I did not drink much that night.  I had to drive.

We drove home and you dropped me off at my house.  I invited you in.  I think you stayed for only a bit though.  We did not have sex that night either.  You drove off alone.

Our 3rd Date

I don’t even know if this would qualify as a date, but you invited me over for dinner and to give you a massage.  I’m rusty, but I’m not that dumb.  I figured where this might just lead up too.  I gathered up the Trojans and I was off to your house.

You answered the door in a little red with white polka dot sundress.  My god, I loved how your hips filled that dress.  I don’t remember eating or anything else about that night but I remember the massage.

When it was time for that, oh, I was ready, and probably way too excited.  I am sure you could just smell my desire for you.  I can still see you when you slowly peeled that dress off and how it fell to the floor.  You had nothing on but a black thong.  At the beginning I had all of my clothes on, but I think it was you who told me to “get more comfortable.”  I did by stripping down to my drawers.  You had the oil on her headboard, so I started.  I am not the best at massage, but I did learn a thing or two in the past about erotic massage.  I remember how the massage started innocently enough, but in short order I was rubbing your tits and then your pussy through your panties.  I would rub you sensually taking special care to pay a lot of attention to all of your erogenous zones.  My fingers would “slip” inside your panties quite often and I could feel how aroused you were by the extreme heat and how you were practically dripping wet.  I started to then use my tongue on you and I started kissing you all over your body.  You tried to play coy, but I knew that no woman before was able to stop herself when I did this.  I teased you mercilessly.  When I thought you were good and ready, I went to close the deal.   You stopped me.  You told me “I am not that kind of girl.”  Really, you’re not?  I was just barely able to muster up enough self respect to stop and get up, before I resorted to begging.  I’m sure I begged a little though.  We took some time to cool down.   I don’t remember what happened, but I know I left.  I probably rubbed one out when I got home.  I know I slept alone that night.

To the Readers: As I write this I feel that knowing what I know now, which I have only alluded to you thus far, I wonder if she called in another man to “finish” her off, and who that man was.  I can tell you the arousal for me was practically unbearable.  Her arousal was also extremely high.  I was so desperate for any woman’s touch I would likely had done anything to have sex with her during any of these dates.  I was like a fly in a trap and she knew it.  Thinking back on the massage night, or any of the date nights for that matter, there was no good reason for us not to have sex.  Come to think of it, at my age and especially at her age, she is quite a bit older than me; there is no reason to wait past the first or second date before having sex.  I’m a highly attractive and desirable man to any woman I would meet.  She should have been grateful I wanted her at all.  I have met many women like her and experienced how they flaunt their raw sensuality.  It is these same women that use their sexuality and as a tool and a weapon to manipulate men. It is disturbing that at 45 years old, Christine still behaved in this same manner, behaving without discretion.

When a woman is younger it is ok for her to make the man wait for sex for a limited amount of time in order to secure commitment from the man.  It is respectable if she would behave in this manner consistently throughout her life.  This is sexual discretion.  These women are fairly respectable and I am not talking about them.  They usually also have had very low numbers of past sexual partners.  I have a problem when promiscuous women use this waiting period as a way to manipulate a man into thinking she is far more innocent than what she actually is, or to fool the man that she has had only a “few” past sexual partners.  If a woman has given it up before on a first or second date in the past, especially an older and more promiscuous woman, this woman needs to realize that most men of high value feel will feel duped and will lose respect for the woman once he realizes the truth about her and her past actions. Women always show the truth about themselves if you just watch listen, but they normally seem to lie about the number of men they have had sex with in their past.  An older woman is just that, old, and if she did not hit the wall already, she will soon.  Reality tells me that she needs to be far less picky, especially with the good high value men, which brings up the question of my actual value dating this much older woman.  She had no reason to play that game with me, and that’s what it was, a game and a manipulation tactic to make me thing she had morals and has exercised discretion in her past.  I will elaborate more about this in the future.  I will write about more about what we did together during the first months of our relationship later, but for now I will say that I would have respected her more if I had sex with her on the second or third date.  That would have shown me then that at least she was honest about her desires and her attraction to me was genuine.  I can always respect an honest woman, but they seem to not be very common nowadays.  She told me a few months later when we were talking about some random things that she decided on the first night.  She decided within the first 10 minutes of meeting me that she knew she would have sex with me.  Maybe she should have just fucked me then?

This whole subject bothered me because that means I was not Alpha enough, or high value enough,  to either demand sex or walk away immediately or set the frame where she would have actually done the demanding of me on the first or second date.  In my defense, I was still very much in my married Beta mindset and my self esteem was also at rock bottom at this time, due to my wife just leaving me. Therefore I refuse to be too hard on myself, but it’s something I thought about.  We did end up having sex later (see the next letter).  Don’t get me wrong, I was really happy that it happened and the circumstances worked out very well. Remember, I am not bitching about having to wait a few dates for sex in general, just being made to wait by a woman with an agenda and who was obviously pretty slutty to begin with.  Nevertheless Christine is a fairly sexy woman for her age, her pussy was pretty good, and she had some mad skills in bed.

These particular incidents now just show me that even in the very beginning she had an agenda and was planning and scheming for an end goal only she knew about.  The passion was more than hot for us to have had sex much sooner.  She used sex as a weapon and a tool on these first dates.  You will see in future letters that she never let the relationship take its own natural course.  She was always trying to rush things and guide events to suit her and her timetable.  She refused to let love grow on its own and in its own time.  Hopefully you will see why.


Letter to Christine

Stained Sheets

By: MonkeyWerks

I had a dream last night.  As usual I don’t really remember it.  I was thinking about you last night, writing another letter. It is probably what brought about the dream.  I do know the dream really bothered me.  Like this morning, it seems I remember more about what happened and things you said to me.  For some reason, is in the morning when things are clear.

You told me many times that you love sex on clean sheets.  Even on the day when you came over, the day we broke up, you brought your sheets up and were genuinely mad that I did not come over and fuck you every time you changed your sheets.  Why would you be mad at such a thing?

This morning I was thinking about that. I remember thinking about that during our relationship too.  I was thinking about when you washed your sheets.  As a guy I know I don’t wash mine enough.  In general women do seem to wash their sheets more often.  This is taking in account that both the men and woman are single.  I was thinking about your sheet washing schedule.  I thought that you never washed them on a specific day or at specific interval.  When I would spend the night and look down at your bed before getting in I remember noticing all the stains on your sheets.  I did not know if they were new or old stains.  I did not know if they were fresh from the night before or made long ago.  I do know however, you and I did not cause them.  It would come to my mind the question of how many men have you had sex with on your bed and on those sheets.  It would come to mind who was the man that you were with when the different stains were made.  I would get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I though how you liked to have sex with me on clean sheets because the dirty sheets were recently made dirty by you and someone else.  It made me think that it was like a new start for you somehow, more manipulation of yourself furthering your own delusions, hiding your infidelities.  I always felt like you were having sex with other men when you were supposed to mine alone.  I don’t know why, but it was always there, in my gut, tearing me apart.  It was draining.  This was probably the reason I did not like spending the night at your house, or even being at your house.  There were too many ghosts of your boyfriends and lovers past.  It was all those stains on your sheets.  You had sex with Mark, Terry, Francis, the boat guy, and me on that bed, at least that’s the ones I know about, the ones you told me about.  I wondered how many more there were?  I wondered how many more men were invited into your house for the very reason to make more stains on your sheets. I only had sex with my wife and you on my bed.  All the stains on the new mattress pad are from you and me.  I have to change that now, so I can start new.  I need to start new.  I don’t want any stains on my sheets.

I told you about this once and you responded that I was being immature.  No, I am not immature at all.  I just realized the truth about you and female promiscuity long ago.  I realized in my heart, that when I start to fall in love with a woman, the thoughts of her many past boyfriends and lovers do in fact bother me, they haunt me somehow.  This issue gives me pause, when I think if a woman is deserving of my love and commitment.  It makes me want to find a woman who was not so promiscuous, who has less stains on her sheets.  This issue came up when you were trying so desperately to convince me to move in with you.  You knew deep down why your bed bothered me, it was not the dog, it was the stains on your sheets.  I always knew that you did not care about my feelings about that issue or any other issue really, but you did try to manipulate me to accept all of your bad behaviors, telling me I should never worry about the stains on your sheets.  You tried to make me believe you had changed, that you would behave with me.  Maybe that is when you decided that we needed a new house together.  Maybe you thought that in a new house your past lovers would not haunt me or torment you so much.  Maybe you thought that you could change who you really are with me, but we know the truth, don’t we?  I knew we would keep your bed, and we would keep your mattress and the sheets with all the stains on them, so the ghosts would always be there, forever, with us and between us.

Letter to Christine


By: MonkeyWerks

A man usually never has solid evidence of his woman’s infidelity.  It is usually small hints he notices.  Red flags, such as the feeling she is lying, being uncommitted to times they would meet.  She will also leave physical hints.  Wetter than normal vagina (remaining semen from other lover), not wanting sex, takes a longer than usual time to orgasm (she just did with her other lover).

He will sense something.  There will be dots to connect, texts and emails with underlying sexual tones, hiding her phone or locking the keypad on it, changing passwords, ambiguous about where she is or is going, and the list goes on.

The man will normally block out such hints because the truth hurts the super ego of the man.  The man would have a difficult time dealing with the now shattered false impression his woman was good and faithful.  His subconscious mind does not want to face the fact he was so wrong about the woman.  This creates a cognitive dissonance in him and that it what potentially will cause long term emotional trauma.

These things mentioned are working here in my mind and heart.  That is why the pain is practically unbearable when I have to deal with these memories and emotions.

My guts are burning as I read about all the men you have fucked that you never told me about.  Every line I read sends a wave of revulsion coursing through my body.  I have to write this down in order to purge myself of the disgust I am feeling for ever trusting a word you told me.  Relationships are built on trust.  Haven’t you learned that at your ripe old age of 45?  No, you have not.

In the beginning you told me you have been single for some time.  You told me no man has touched you for months.  I felt safe in trusting you then.

I read about how you were fucking the other men when you told me you would be faithful only to me.  I believed you then.  What I believe now is that very few women can be trusted because you seemed so sweet and honest when you told me I was the only one.  How could I have been fooled so completely?

Even though you could never love me you NEEDED me to love you with all of my heart.  You are the one that needed to own my sexuality and my desires while you gave yours away to every other man but me.


Letter to Christine

Your Passionate Poison

By: MonkeyWerks

Seeing as we met at a political function in August of 2012, there was much more politicking to be done before the election, especially for me.  Meeting you and the time we spent together gave me a new lease on life it seemed.  My self confidence started to return as with my self esteem.  I was happy that now I had a reason to get off of the couch.

We made plans to attend the weekend long event together.  I don’t remember who broached the subject, but we decided that it would be cheaper if we shared a room.  The drive was anticipatory for me.  I knew that I would be having sex with you this weekend.  I just wasn’t expecting what happened next.

After we checked into our hotel we went up to the room to drop off our things.  I thought we would go out for dinner or something afterwards.  After we walked into the room and dropped our bags, you were on top of me. It wasn’t five minutes before you had my pants off giving me head. Afterwards, I enthusiastically returned the favor, basking in your aroma and savoring your wetness.  I cannot remember a time when I desired a woman so much as I did you right then.  We had sex, and more sex, and then even more sex that afternoon.  I was hooked right then.  We did some of the things we were there for that evening, and then it was back to the hotel for an entire night of sex.  I was literally drained.   I think we slept for only two hours that night.

The next morning we had to get up early to do the work we were there for.  It was so hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing that day.  I was like this every day afterwards, until we broke up.  The weekend was filled with sex, kissing, affection and your total attention being given to me.  I absolutely loved it.  I knew then that if this is what I could expect from you in our relationship, I could keep you forever.  I thought then that I would do anything for you, that you were my master.

Your pussy was so tight as you milked me when we came together.  My head was swimming in your lust, your scent filled my mind, my soul.  We fucked so many times I was drained, raw, my cock chaffed. I felt then that you saved yourself just for me, that I had been the only one to touch you for a long time.  That I was the man you have always longed for, but never found, until now.  It felt like our bodies were designed by God to come together, you were meant to be mine, I was meant to be inside of you, that no other would be able to fill you, satisfy you as perfectly as I did then.   You took all of me, bearing down on me as you came, as I filled you up with my very essence.

On the way home as I drove, you guided my hand inside your pants and under your panties so I could play with your pussy.  Our combined juices still dripping from you, I bathed in the afterglow of passions I had missed for so long, passions I though lost forever, passions I had to bury deep inside my heart and hide in my marriage and from the world.

I thought you were the one I had been secretly longing for my whole life.  My wife offered me security and children, but you gave me my masculinity.  You opened up my passions again.  I finally felt like a man after so many years.  I felt desired like I always deserved to be.

This was your first hook.  This hook penetrated my soul the deepest; it also hurt the most as I extracted it from my core. You used powers not of this realm to read what I needed the most from a woman.  You knew that your seductions would work with me just as they had with so many men before me.  Your methods were perfect.  Over four weeks, you built up my desires for you to the point of exploding and only then offered me the release I needed just at the last minute.  You knew that if you gave in to my lusts sooner you would lose the power you so desperately worked to establish, that you planned for, that you needed to live.  If you gave in to my desires sooner, you would forever lose your control over me, my body and my passions.  If you gave yourself over to my passions sooner, I would know the truth.  So you waited to strike, until just at the last moment before the drug of your previous seductions wore off completely.  You struck with perfect accuracy, injecting your poison into my soul.  It was then that you knew that I was lost to you forever.  You now controlled me with my one and only weakness.

After that weekend I craved your body every moment of every day.  I needed to seed your womb with my life.  When we were apart for more than a day I felt my addiction for you overtake my rational mind.  Like a heroin addict, you were the only thing I could think of.   The memory of your scent still filling my nostrils; I would long to feel your touch on my body, to be inside of you once again.